Getting Over the Pain of a Breakup with the No Contact Rule

Part 3 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous part of this No Contact Rule series, I attempted to describe the advantages of following the no contact rule after you and your ex have just called it quits. To sum it up, severing all communication with your ex will help you heal the wounds you have sustained after the breakup. Eventually, the pain you feel will fade and your heart will mend – but only if you allow it to happen.

Of course, while the wounds are still fresh and you are still agonizing over your breakup, it's hard to ignore the pain at all. No matter how hard you try to bury the pain and to put on a brave face as you go on with your life, the pain is still there, nagging and biting at you, demanding your attention when you least want it to. I know it can be crippling, and as melodramatic as this may sound, I know the pain sometimes makes you want to stop, stand still and let the rest of the world move on without you.

So how do you make the pain go away and let you move on with your life? By facing the pain and recognizing its existence instead of burying it and hoping it would go away on its own.

Face the Pain Head On

We all have different ways of coping with pain, especially pain resulting from a broken heart. Some of us act as if nothing happened while some carry on like drama queens (or drama kings, for that matter). There is no right or wrong way to dealing with pain, but ignoring it altogether never works.

When we ignore the pain and bury it deep within us, we only allow it to rot and fester inside our mind and our heart. If we keep the pain buried inside us instead of releasing it, it only turns us into bitter people. Worse, the pain spoils us for whatever new relationship that comes our way.

The best example I could think of when it comes to burying pain is Mark Harmon's character from NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Of course, his case is different as what happened to him isn't exactly a breakup. But one of the driving points of NCIS is how Gibbs dealt with the pain of losing his wife and child. Because he wouldn't recognize how his pain is ruling his life, he let three marriages and one perfectly good relationship fail in the next 12 years.

All things considered, is the pain of a breakup really worth living the rest of your life in misery? That's what we essentially commit ourselves to when we bury the pain and refuse to acknowledge its existence. I think that the better thing to do is to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, "I'm hurting and I know it. I will let myself feel hurt for [this specific period of time]. But I am going to do something about it and when this deadline is up, I won't feel the pain anymore and I won't let it rule me either."

Letting the Pain Go

Once you have acknowledged to yourself that you are in pain, the next step would be to process it. As I said above, all of us have different ways of coping with pain. If your way of coping with pain is sitting on the couch all day and digging your way through a tub of ice cream, go for it if it gives you some comfort. If you feel like strolling at the park alone, call in sick at work and take the day off. Whatever it takes to get you over the funk, as long as it's not illegal and will not cause you irreparable harm, go ahead and do it.

It will help a lot if you surround yourself with people who love you and who are willing to lend you a sympathetic ear. After a breakup, it is typical for us to feel alone or isolated. Talking about your pain with someone who cares about you is a way of releasing the burden of the pain. It is also a way of telling yourself that even though you and your ex are through, you are not alone and there are other people whose love you can count on whatever happens.

One person whom you should never talk with at this point is, of course, your ex. We are still dealing with the no contact rule after all. You may want to process your pain by screaming at your ex and blaming them for this storm of emotions going through you. Actually, you can still do this even without breaking the no contact rule. An example would be writing notes or letters addressed to your ex or keeping a journal of everything you wanted to tell them but couldn't. Just don't make the mistake of actually sending these notes or journals to your ex – that would be breaking the no contact rule.

Meeting new people is another way of coping with the pain. When you make new friends and find new people to hang out with, you are giving yourself the chance to move on to possible new relationships. You are basically telling yourself that there is still a future for you when it comes to long-term romances. However, do not commit your heart yet when you believe that you aren't ready for a new relationship. Take your time and have fun.

Pain is inevitable in breakups. However, how we deal with the pain is what is important in how we eventually get over it and move on with our lives.

How do you cope with pain after a breakup?

(Image: br3akthru from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)