Merry Christmas, Darling

Karen Carpenter's classic song "Merry Christmas, Darling" echoes exactly how I feel right now.

If you are like me, one who is spending the holidays away from the ones they love most, I hope you enjoy Ms. Carpenter's song.

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You Don’t Have to Be Lonely and Dateless During the Holidays

If you want to break up with your current flame during the holidays but can't seem to get around to doing it, what's keeping you? If you are like a lot of women out there, the reason why you are stringing your relationship along even if things aren't working out for you anymore is that you don't want to be lonely, miserable and alone at a time when family and relationships matter.

That is so understandable, really. The holiday season after all is all about rituals and traditions, and none of these rituals and traditions include being alone. Sometimes, it is easier to put up with someone you are not really happy with rather than being entirely on your own.

However, as I mentioned in my previous posts on breaking up during the holidays, it's not really fair for you or your soon-to-be ex if you keep prolonging the inevitable just because it's the holidays. Just because you happened to end your relationship any time between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve, it doesn't mean you have to be totally miserable and lonely for the rest of the season. In fact, you are opening yourself to a whole lot of opportunities when you call it quits with your current flame this time of the year.

The World Is Full of Single People

When you are newly single during the holidays, or any time of the year for that matter, you'd be surprised at just how many single people there are crawling out of the woodwork to cross your path. Many of them are people you've already met; you just never noticed them before because you were still in a relationship and are thus preoccupied.

As long as you show up at the holiday parties and gatherings you got invited to, you are likely to meet someone. If the host or hostess is game, he or she will try to play Cupid and try to match you up with someone else. Who knows? Maybe that innocent match-up may turn into a hookup, and that hookup may still be there with you for Valentine's Day, if not for longer.

Of course, holiday parties and gatherings are not the only opportunities you have for meeting other people when you are newly single during the holidays. You can try online dating websites or speed dating. Heck, if you are up to it, you can meet someone while shopping for your Christmas turkey at the supermarket. Just keep your eyes peeled and be open for such opportunities.

It Doesn't Have to Be a Lover

But then again, you don't have to force yourself to find a new lover just because you are newly single and it's the holidays. Hookups are fun, sure, but they can have consequences you may not have anticipated. Besides, they can make your holiday blues even bluer if the other party doesn't call you after you've had a good time together.

If you're not ready to be in a new relationship and short-term fun just isn't your thing, you can find love elsewhere. Surround yourself with friends and family, for one. Or you can volunteer your time to your church or your local charity and help out the less fortunate.

Being afraid to be lonely and dateless during the holidays is not a reason to string along a relationship that is not working anymore. There is always an opportunity to meet new people, especially during the holidays. Also, just because you are dateless means you can't have love this time of the year. Look around you; there is always love to be found and spread around.

What's keeping you from breaking up during the holidays?

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Holiday Dating – How to Break Up During the Holidays

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about whether it's okay or not to break up during the holidays. Basically, a lot of us would rather wait till after New Year's Day to break up with someone simply because we don't want to seem heartless or unkind. A lot of us also don't want to deal with the hassles of being newly single during the holidays. But then again, it is always better to be true to yourself rather than pretend you're not miserable just because it's the holidays.

Now here is an interesting article I found at Match.com on how to get the ugly deed done without being seen as the Grinch who stole Christmas. I totally agree with what the writer said:

No matter how wrong the relationship is, nobody wants to be a Scrooge. You can reduce the negative impact by channeling the spirit of the season: Do unto others.

Channeling the Spirit of the Season

If you're going to break up with someone during the holidays, you might as well be kind and do it in the spirit of the holidays. After all, even the insensitive types have feelings, too. They can be hurt with this development especially when they didn't see it coming.

Breaking up should also be done as gently as possible. As Ms. Lester said in her article, try to avoid turning the whole ordeal into some kind of blaming game. If your soon-to-be ex asks why, just say it's you who has the problem and leave it at that. You have better chances of parting amiably if you manage to avoid the blaming game.

Timing Is Everything

Ms. Lester said in her article that location is everything when it comes to breaking up during the holidays. I'd like to add that timing is everything, too. If you're really not happy about the relationship and you believe that it's best to break up, just do it as soon as possible. It would be kind of awkward if you're going to break your soon-to-be ex's heart right after you find out that he or she has already bought you a Christmas present or has already accepted invitations addressed to the two of you in your behalf.

Breaking up during the holidays doesn't have to be an ugly ordeal. If you do it gently and kindly, you and your soon-to-be ex can part as friends and not ruin each other's holidays.

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Holiday Dating – What to Do If Your Date Doesn't Want You to Meet the Family Yet

In the previous post, I talked about being in a new relationship during the holidays and how to survive that first meeting with your new squeeze's friends and family. Basically, I emphasized the value of being prepared for the meeting, creating a good first impression, and interacting with your date's people. I also said that even though it would be great for your date's folks to like you, you shouldn't worry about pleasing everyone at this point because it's just not always possible.

Of course, we are assuming here that your new flame will invite you to meet the folks in the first place. But what if he/she doesn't even bring up the idea with you? Should you freak out if you learn that your date has no intention of introducing you to the family during the holidays?


Your Date Just Isn't Ready Yet

The answer to that question is a definite "no." If your date isn't inclined to take you home to meet the family during the holidays, you should just let it slide instead of pushing the issue. If you push the issue, it will only result in a quarrel.

Your date's reluctance to take you home to meet the family is understandable if the two of you have been together for only a few weeks. This reluctance can only mean two things – either your date does not feel that deeply committed to your relationship yet or your date has issues with his/her family that he/she isn't ready to reveal to you at the moment.

Taking a girlfriend or boyfriend to meet the family is a huge step commitment-wise for a lot of people. You can't really expect your current flame to show that level of commitment when your relationship is still very new.

On the other hand, it could be that your date does want you to meet the folks back home. The reason why your date isn't doing so is he/she could be having some issues with his/her family that he/she is looking to resolve before you meet them.

Don't Push the Issue

Whatever your date's reason is for not taking you to meet the family during the holidays, you really should just back off if he/she isn't so inclined. Don't try to put undue pressure on your date; it will only create a strain in your relationship and may lead to a big argument or even a breakup later on.

Just let the issue slide. Instead, offer to spend some quality time together after the two of you have returned from visiting family for the holidays. Perhaps you can suggest a short romantic getaway with just the two of you.

Don't freak out if it seems that your current squeeze isn't inclined to take you to meet the family during the holidays. Your date will introduce you when he/she is ready, so just hang on tight and go with the flow. If it really bugs you, go ahead and ask why. Your date will tell you the truth if he/she really cares for you.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you find that your date isn't inclined to have you meet his/her folks?

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Holiday Dating – Surviving Your First Meeting with Your Date's Friends and Family

Meeting people and dating someone new can be a pain during the holidays. The fact that the holiday season focuses more on families and on relationships that have taken root over some time can create a sense of awkwardness if your current romance is just a few weeks old. There is the question of what gift you should give your significant other. And then there is the matter of going to the inevitable Christmas party that your new flame's family, friends and co-workers are expected to throw, to which you may or may not have to go.

All of us who are actively dating known that meeting our partner's family, friends and peers for the first time can put some pressure on our nerves. Among family and friends, this first meeting often takes a serious light during the holiday season simply because the atmosphere at such meetings tend to get very close – if not totally intimate – whenever the holidays come around. It can really make you feel like two things: 1) an outsider looking in; and 2) a fish in a bowl.

So, if your new romantic partner asks you to come to a Christmas party, you really shouldn't be too worried. You can survive it with flying colors, and here is how to do it.

Be Prepared

If you're heading for battle, you'd want to know what to expect so you'll come out of the skirmish alive. I'm not saying that this first meeting is like entering a battlefield, but being prepared beforehand can prevent you from, say, offending someone without really knowing that you did or embarrassing yourself without knowing why.

The first thing you need to know is who is going to be there. If you can, fish out some information from your significant other, details like what those people do for a living, what their likes and dislikes are, and other stuff like that. These tidbits will keep you from committing a faux pas but will also give you topics for small talk.

Create a Good First Impression

Part of being prepared for this first meeting is creating a good impression. You want your partner to be proud of you, and you can do that by making your partner's friends and family like you. The first step to achieving that, of course, is by making a good impression.

You'll need to pay extra attention to your grooming and outfit for this first meeting. Ask your date if there is a dress code to the event you're going to. Also, if you normally dress sexy and you're meeting your date's family, you may want to tone the sexiness down a bit. All mothers like to think that their babies are dating good girls and dressing a little on the conservative side is one way of winning your date's mother's approval.

Don't Be a Wallflower

To make your partner's friends and family like you, you have to go out of your way to interact with them. This isn't the time to be shy or aloof. Go ahead and circulate among the guests. Make small talk and try to get to know the people there a little bit better. Help out in the kitchen if there is a need for it.

One thing you shouldn't do is to pry information about your date that they aren't willing to volunteer. You'll find out about these things soon enough, if you stay in the relationship long enough. You can keep your eyes peeled, though. You'll be observing your date in their natural surroundings so you're sure to find out things about them just by observing them.

Don't Take Sides

Gatherings composed of family and friends may be intimate, but they can also be volatile. It is not entirely unheard of for family members or friends to break into an argument at some point during the gathering. Whatever happens, don't be pulled into taking sides unless it's about you. It's your date's business, not yours, so keep out of that business and resist being pulled in.

Remember Who You're Sleeping With

At the end of the party, what matters is the person whom you will be going home with. No matter how hard you try, you just can't please everybody. So if it turns out that someone at the party ends up not liking you, if your date isn't worried about it, then you shouldn't be worried either. Your date is the one you have to deal with regularly, after all, not your date's family.

Are you meeting with your date's family and friends for the first time? How are you dealing with the jitters?

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Breaking Up During the Holidays – Yes or No?

If you aren't happy in your relationship but the Yuletide holidays are just around the corner, would you wait for New Year's Day to come along before you break up? Or would you rather get the deed done and over with regardless of what season of the year it is?

This question never occurred to me before until I read this blog post on LuvemorLeavem. Basically, according to this post, November is a good month to break up because the next few weeks will offer other – and probably better – opportunities for dating. Also, it's really awkward to flirt with other people at parties when you have your soon-to-be ex tagging along with you.

So, breaking up before or during the holidays – should you or shouldn't you?

Choosing to Wait for New Year's Day

Some people would rather not break up with their significant others when the holiday season is about to go full swing. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Breaking up is depressing whether it is the right decision or not. Can you imagine going through the motions of celebrating the holidays when you have just walked out on your relationship?

2. Attending parties of mutual friends will be awkward. If you and your ex both show up at the party, there will be tension in the atmosphere and your host will have to treat you both like walking time bombs.

3. It's going to be a pain to explain to other people why your ex isn't with you when you go to this or that event. To say you just broke up may earn you a few gestures of sympathy you'd rather do without.

4. It's the season of goodwill. Do you really want to be seen as a heartless person who broke up with her significant other during the holidays?

But Then Again

If you're really miserable in the relationship and you feel that the relationship isn't going to work for the long haul, why wait for New Year's Day? Waiting for New Year's Day is just a matter of suspending the inevitable and prolonging the misery. Better use the holiday season as an excuse to part amiably instead.

It doesn't matter whether it's the holidays or not. What's more important is that you stay true to yourself and your feelings. You shouldn't worry about what other people will think or say. You'll be the focus of their attention for like ten seconds then forget all about you.

If you want to break up, then break up. It's going to hurt, sure, but the holidays are also about being with friends and family. Surround yourself with their love and support and you'll be okay.

What do you think of breaking up during the holidays?

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Getting Back with an Ex – A Case Study

When is it acceptable to break up your current relationship just so you can get back together with your ex?

This was a question that flashed in my mind last night while I was browsing a dating and relationship forum. A woman sought advice from the other members of the forum, asking whether she should break up with her current boyfriend in favor of her ex, who happened to be her high school sweetheart and whom she got in touch with once more when she returned home.

As I am the type who burns her bridges once she has made a major decision like breaking up with someone, I would be of the opinion that she should stay in her current relationship and forget about her ex. However, that opinion wouldn't probably sit well with her.

Summarizing the Situation

So here is what her situation looks like:

She and her ex-boyfriend were high school sweethearts. They had a lot in common, including a love for animals. He got into a college close to home on scholarship so he could stay near her. When she graduated from high school, he gave up his scholarship so he could move with her to New York City, where she pursued a course on veterinary medicine.

When they got to NYC, things changed. Because of the cost of living in NYC, they had to divide their time between work and study. Thus, they hardly had time to spend together. This resulted in constant fights and bickering until they eventually broke up, upon which he returned home and she stayed in NYC.

A few months after, she met a guy in one of her classes and started dating him. Guy#2 is witty, intelligent and loves to spoil her with gifts and other surprises. She underscored the fact that Guy#2 has great financial prospects and sex with him is more fulfilling than with the ex. The only turn-off with Guy#2 is that he hates animals. She also feels that there is "something missing" whenever she is with him.

Early on into the relationship, she had to go back home to take care of her dad. Inevitably, she got in touch with her ex once again, and to her it seemed like nothing has changed. The old flame was rekindled. Now she said part of her wants things to work out again with her ex, while the other part is telling her to stay with Guy#2. What then should she do?

A Sense of Familiarity

So, should she break up with Guy#2 to get back with her ex, or should she stay in her current relationship? Here's my take on it.

For me, it's normal for her to want to get back with her ex-boyfriend. She's back home, where everything is comfortable and familiar. She's probably back to her old habits and routines, which definitely included her ex in the past. Being back home, with all that sense of familiarity and belonging, is making her feel that nothing has changed, including her feelings for her ex.

But what happens when she does get back with her ex and she returns to NYC to continue her studies? Is he going to move back with her or are they going to pursue a long-distance relationship. If he's moving back to NYC with her, are they going to adopt the same patterns they had when they first lived together in the Big Apple? They may feel in love right now, but unless those old patterns are broken, they are just going back to square one. And then they just might break up again.

An Archaic Notion

Should she stay with Guy#2, then? She did say that she loves Guy#2, but there is something awfully shallow about wanting to be with a guy just because the sex is great and the guy has some bright financial prospects waiting for him. I'm not undermining the importance of sex in a relationship because I believe that it is indeed very important in keeping a relationship alive. But sex isn't everything.

Also, financial prospects change all the time. One may be the heir to some fortune but market forces can change that whenever we least expect it. Besides, isn't this the 21st century already? Women may be hard-wired to look for mates who can provide for them and their offspring, but in this day and age, they are just as capable of providing for themselves as their potential mates. Wanting to stay with a guy just because he has some prospects is so archaic.

Besides, he hates animals. Not only does she love animals, but she is also studying to be a vet. Anyone seeing anything wrong with that picture?

Getting back with an ex or not is always a tricky question, laden with sacrifices and payoffs. She is going to make someone unhappy whatever she does, but I sincerely hope that she'll be happy and she'll be able to live with whatever she decides to do.

What do you think?  Should she get back with her ex or should she stay with Guy#2?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

In the previous post, I asked this question: "What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?" So I guess it's only fair that I answer the question myself.

So what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? Here is my (somewhat long) list of things and people I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my parents. I am extremely lucky to be born to parents with a strong sense of values, who passed on these values to me, and who gave and continue to give me their unconditional love and support despite the crazy things I have done over the years.

I am thankful for my siblings. I am probably one of the rare few whose relationship with her siblings was not colored too vividly by sibling rivalry. They're all my big brothers who are there to support and protect me, sometimes even from myself.

I am thankful for friends past and present. These people made my life colorful and even if I don't speak to many of them nowadays, I will always be grateful that the path of my life crossed with theirs.

I am thankful for my job. I have such a fabulous job! As a freelance writer, I work when I feel like working and sleep when I feel like sleeping. Though it takes discipline to meet the deadlines and demands that my clients impose upon me and sitting in front of the computer all the time has made me gain too much weight, this is the career I was born for and am happy to have for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for my exes. Without my exes, I probably won't have grown to be the person I am now. They all made me a stronger, more understanding, more considerate and much less selfish person. I still hate what I allowed them to do to me, but I won't deny anymore that I learned a lot from them.

I am thankful for my fiancé. If I learned a lot from my exes, I am constantly learning from him. The two of us are so alike and yet so different in many ways. Each and every interaction I have with him teaches me the true meaning of the word "commitment." His devotion is unparalleled, though I try to reciprocate it as much as I can whenever I can.

I am thankful for this blog. I have worked on a lot of blogs over the years, some mine and some belonging to other people. This blog, however, is the only one I have voluntarily spent a lot of my free time on without expecting much in return. It may not look much right now, but this is a work of love and I am going to find ways to improve it as soon as possible.

I am thankful for my present readers. I don't check this blog's stats everyday, but I don't have any illusions. I know that, for now at least, there are only a handful of people reading my scribbling here. Thank you for spending time on my little project.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Dating and Thanksgiving – Finding Something to be Thankful For

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

When you are stuck in a relationship rut – either as a single person or as someone forced by the holidays into a relationship that you know will be on its way to nowhere – it is sometimes not that easy to find something to be thankful for when it comes to your love-life. Add to that the fact that the holiday season is notorious for finding a way of putting you face-to-face with what you lack in your life, if not rubbing it right in.

But for all that the holidays have the tendency to make you dwell on things you don't have, fixating on them just because it's Thanksgiving and it's the start of the holiday season is pointless, a total waste of time.

So what if your baby sister is being lovey-dovey with her current boyfriend during Thanksgiving dinner while the others at the table won't stop making remarks about your being there on your lonesome?

So what if your annoying aunt is making everyone at the table laugh at your expense just because you seem to be headed towards old-maid status?

Letting these people make you feel bad just because you are single (or might as well be single) during the holidays is only going to spoil what should be a fun and joyous season for you. Just ignore them and don't let their insensitive jokes get to you.

Or you could turn the tables on them and show that you are having such a sweet time being single and on your own. Make them imagine how fun it is being able to date without being tied down and without anyone being jealous. Make them see how fulfilling it is to pursue your personal interests without being held back just because you are in a relationship.

You can also use the occasion to hook up with someone new. Did your sister-in-law invite a cute cousin who is also single to dinner? Did your brother bring along a friend from work?

The holidays, Thanksgiving in particular, may be a bane for single people. But that doesn't mean that if you are single, you have to feel bad or bitter about the jokes and the other stuff that family, colleagues or even friends throw your way because of your single state. Being single is not a crime nor is it a reason for you to be lonely and miserable with your life.

There is always something to be thankful for even when it is not Thanksgiving. Maybe one of those things you can be thankful for is that you dumped that ex who isn't giving you the value you deserve. You just need to look into your heart and find out.

And when you find something you can be truly thankful for, then Thanksgiving won't be such a bane anymore, whether you are single or not.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

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Can't Find a Date? Be Nice, Seriously

How many times have you ignored, glared, or even snarled at a guy simply because he tried to start a conversation with you?

I used to do that all the time, when I was still a lot younger and much more socially awkward. But the thing about people is that they tend to see what they want to see and are not always willing to look beyond what is right in front of them.

So, to these people, I am not this socially awkward person who doesn't really know yet how to act around them. To them, I am a snob, an ice queen, if not a total bitch.

Being socially awkward is not an illness or a crime. But it can stop you from successfully meeting someone to date or have a relationship with. If you want to meet people with an eye towards dating and building relationships, you have to learn how to flirt a little. Or at least try to be nice and friendly.

Friendly Girls Get More Dates

According to this Fox News article, a recent study on flirting shows that friendly girls find more dating success than polite and reserved ones. For these friendly girls, flirting is just harmless fun and a way of showing their potential dates and mates that they are women who are self-aware and confident of themselves. The figures and findings of the study may sound like a no-brainer, but it is indeed concrete evidence that shy girls do lose out in the dating scene.

Consider this: Why do flowers have nectar? That is because this sweet and sugary liquid is meant to attract insects that will help the flower pollinate and reproduce. Without the nectar, flowers are nothing more than pretty ornaments. They are nice to look at but have no drawing power.

Being a Wallflower Is Not a Permanent Condition

As I said above, being shy or socially awkward is not an illness or a crime. But it's not something you can't overcome either. You don't have to do a complete turnaround and transform yourself into a fun and flirty person just to attract a date or potential partner. However, you can at least try to be nice when interacting with other people.

Smiling and making eye contact is one good way to start overcoming your social awkwardness. When someone approaches you to start a conversation, you can keep the conversation going by responding in more than just yeses and nos. You don't have to fake being an outgoing person. Just be a tad friendly and be responsive.

If you want to meet people with an eye towards dating and building relationships, you have to at least try to be nice and friendly. Being nice and friendly is not just something that will see you through in dating. In any situation that requires human interaction, being nice and friendly will make you a winner.

What did you do to overcome your social awkwardness?

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Can't Find a Date? Are the Nice Guys Really that Hard to Find?

Are nice guys really that hard to find?

When I was in college, I was one of those ugly ducklings who couldn't find a date. Not that I was actively seeking one at the time, but I often heard my girlfriends complain that it's because guys who are both nice and available are often difficult to find.

In my girlfriends' thinking, the nice guys are either:

1. the arm candy of some other girl; or
2. gay or metrosexual and likely to be one of your male "girlfriends."

It's a complaint that hasn't really changed much over the years. Even now that we're all way past our ugly duckling stage, enjoying some success in our chosen careers, and have been in a relationship or two, I still hear that complaint from time to time.

But I know for a fact that it's not really true. See, if you can't find a date who is a nice and decent guy, it's more of two things. One is that you aren't looking hard enough. The other is that you aren't looking at all.

The world is full of decent men. More often than not, we just don't see them because we aren't really looking hard enough. Instead, we are too busy searching for something that isn't there. Maybe it's because we have a ridiculous list that makes us reach for the impossible and blinds us to what is right in front of us.

Prince Charming, after all, is just a character from a fairy tale. For all you know, your search for this imaginary prince is keeping you from noticing Mr. Real Guy who isn't as charming but is good enough for you to spend the next 30 or so years with.

Or maybe the reason why you can't find a date who is a decent enough guy is that you aren't really trying to find a date at all. Instead, what you are trying to do is to find someone who can augment and complete you as a person. You are too preoccupied with projecting your own needs onto the guys that you meet.

You can't make up for your own weaknesses and failings as a person by searching for someone who can fill in these gaps in your personhood for you. These potential partners can only be themselves as you can only be yourself. No one else can complete you but yourself. Instead of finding your "better half," you should probably seek to address your own needs and be as complete a person as you want to be on your own.

Great guys aren't difficult to find at all. It's just a matter of looking around you with your eyes wide open and your gaze clear as crystal.

What do you think?

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Can't Find a Decent Guy to Date? Get Rid of Your Superficial List

As a young girl, I had this list of traits that I want to see in the guy I want to marry someday. The list went something like this:

- He has to be older than me.
- He has to be well-off so I don't have to work in an office.
- He has to be a graduate of a top university (unless it's the rival of my alma mater).
- He has to be taller than me.
- He has to be smart.
- He has to be funny.
- He has to be a bookworm.
- He has to be someone who wears glasses like I do.
- He has to be really cute.
- He has to be someone whom Mommy and Daddy will get along with.

As the years went by, I met and got along with a few guys. They were decent fellows but I didn't even think of getting into a relationship with them because they lacked some of the qualities I put down in my list.

Then I met someone who had every single trait I wanted in a potential mate. And he was interested in me because he said I had all the traits he wanted in a wife. It looked perfect, right?

Three years later, I dumped him because it turned out he was an egotistic jerk.

If you have a list like mine, do you think your list is helping you find your ideal guy? Or is it turning out to be a crutch that is keeping you from being with a man who is good enough but just doesn't meet the "standards" you have put in your list?

There is nothing wrong with having standards. In fact, you must have standards if you want to find a good man who will respect you and will be with you for the long haul. If you don't have any standards with the guys you go out with, you're just selling yourself short.

But having a laundry list that reads like "My ideal man is someone who is 6'4, has blue eyes, blond hair, a face like Brad Pitt's, six-pack abs, a six-figure income, a nice house in the Hamptons, and brains like Einstein's" just sounds ridiculous, don't you think? Such a list is superficial and keeps us from being with someone real and nice.

There is probably a deep-seated reason why you have this list in the first place. Maybe the purpose of your list is not really to find what you believe to be the ideal guy. Maybe its purpose is to protect you from getting hurt and rejected again.

Finding love is about taking chances. Lose your superficial laundry list, deal with whatever personal issues you are trying to hide with your list, and take the plunge.

What is on your list?

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Can't Find a Date? Find Yourself First

Is the task of finding a date too difficult for you sometimes? If you can't find a date and you find yourself sitting home alone on a Friday night, what do you usually think is the cause of your being dateless and lonesome when you could be out there having fun?

Do you think your inability to find a date is due to the fact that the guys (or gals) you meet are jerks? Or do you believe that a good man (or woman) is too hard to find these days?

Did it ever cross your mind that the reason why you are finding it too difficult to find a date is yourself?

I was browsing the Internet a few days ago when I came across this excerpt of the book Get Over Yourself! by Patti Novak, a leading dating and relationship coach and dubbed as "America's Matchmaker." Ms. Novak is also the star of the reality series Confessions of a Matchmaker.

As I was reading through the excerpt, one sentence caught my attention above others:

[T]he more they know who they really are, instead of who they just think they are – the better chance they'll have in their search for love.

With that quote in mind, what do you think is really keeping you from finding a decent person to go out on a date with? If we just open our eyes and look around us, we'd actually find that the world is full of decent people, good enough to take home and introduce to Mom and Dad. It would be hard, if not impossible, to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect out there – because, really, we all know that perfect people do not exist except in our imaginations. But you'll definitely find someone who is Just Right, someone you can accept and with whom you can compromise and someone who will accept you and will compromise with you to keep the relationship alive.

However, that will happen only if we open our eyes to what's keeping us from finding a date first. As Ms. Novak said in the excerpt:

If you're having trouble finding love, chances are dating is not your main problem. Chances are your trouble with dating is a symptom of other problems – larger, deeper emotional issues that are at the core of who you are.

We are, after all, the sum of our experiences; our past experiences shape us and often dictate how we cope with our present and future circumstances. Maybe the reason why you can't find a date is you have deep-seated issues that developed from something that happened to you in the past.

Maybe you have low self-esteem because someone you loved rejected you and you can't find a date because you are afraid of being rejected again.

Maybe you don't trust other people easily because someone dear to you betrayed you and hurt you terribly and you don't want to be hurt again.

Maybe you feel awkward about meeting other people socially because you really don't know how to act around them and you're scared of being embarrassed.

If you are finding it difficult to find a date, maybe instead of putting the blame on external factors, you should take a hard look at yourself. If you start peeling away those layers that hide your true self and deal with whatever deep-seated issues that prevent you from finding a date, much less a soulmate, maybe the dating scene won't look so bad to you anymore.

What is keeping you from finding a date? Is it really because the pickings are slim or is it just you?

(Image: Patti Novak's official website.)

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Breaking the No Contact Rule, By Accident or On Purpose

Part 5 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous four parts of this No Contact Rule series, I tried to talk about what the no contact rule is and why it is so important. I also wrote about how to get over the pain of your breakup while you are observing this rule, as well as what you can do for yourself in the meantime that will help you forget and move on after your breakup. Basically, I emphasized that not seeing or communicating your ex helps you mend your broken heart because when they are out of your sight, they will fade from your mind.

But I understand too that for all your careful planning, things can't really go your way all the time. What if, while trying to observe the no contact rule, you suddenly bump into your ex while, say, doing your groceries? What if they show up at a mutual friend's party? What if they call you? What if you cave in to your longing to see your ex again and broke the rule yourself?

So, what happens when you break the no contact rule, either by accident or on purpose?

Breaking the No Contact Rule by Accident

Accidents are bound to happen no matter how much you avoid them. Unless one of you moved to another city, there is a chance that you will bump into your ex at one point or another. They may show up at a gathering hosted by a mutual friend, for one. Or it may just be one of those chance moments where you encounter them totally unexpectedly.

What do you do when you bump into your ex by accident? There is no perfect response to this question, to be honest. Perhaps it all depends on how you feel at that precise moment.

I do suggest trying to be civil, though, no matter how ugly things went for the two of you the last time you saw each other. Just act as if it's perfectly normal for the two of you to bump into each other all the time. You don't have to be friendly with your ex. More often than not, just nodding your head upon making eye contact and going own way is enough. You don't have to make a scene out of it. Just acknowledge your ex's presence and go.

If your ex stops you for a chat, go ahead and chat but keep it brief. You are busy living your own life apart from your ex, so unless you two have children or a business together, there is no reason for you to linger. Exchange a few sentences, make your excuses, then go. If your ex asks for your number, tell them you'll call them instead. However, don't ask them for their number.

Breaking the No Contact Rule on Purpose

Healing a broken heart through the no contact rule is definitely possible, but it is also definitely hard to do. You may be tempted to break it when you find yourself alone at home and feeling lonely on a Friday night and with no one else to talk to. This just might find you breaking your resolve and getting in touch with your ex out of the blue.

If you have broken the rule, there is no use beating yourself over it once you have realized what you have done. What is done is done; the more important question is how you will move forward from it. Your ex may think that you're trying to play games with them, but what they think does not matter right now. If you genuinely feel that getting in touch with them again is a huge mistake, just pick up where you left off with the no contact rule and stick to it.

Now that the No Contact Rule Is Broken

Now that the no contact rule is broken, what happens now? How do you move on from this? Again, it all depends upon you. You will have to figure out for yourself whether you want to get back with your ex or continue with the life you have right now.

It is a question of whether you are ready or not. If you want to get your ex back and you want to start things over, then go for it and make the first move. Just make sure that you have really thought things over, that you are aware of the factors that made things go south with your ex the last time you were together, and that you are committed not to make the same mistakes again.

If you want to get your ex back but you are not yet ready to start the relationship, just continue following the no contact rule even if it was broken at this point. You will only hurt yourself and your ex even more if you take the plunge but are not yet ready.

If you simply don't want to go back, then good for you. The world is big and somewhere out there, there is someone who is just for you. It is only a matter of finding that someone and you don't have to rush at all. Just enjoy yourself and your time being alone.

A breakup does not have to be the end of the world for anyone. You can heal your broken heart and move on with your life, and one of the best approaches to do this is by following the no contact rule. Somewhere along the road, you may want to get back with your ex or to start a completely new relationship with someone else. But the most important thing here is to start over when you are whole and ready and learn to cherish yourself above all.

This is the last part of the No Contact Rule series, but it doesn't mean that this is the last time I will write about it. I'll probably get back to this topic every now and then, simply because it is important to me and I truly believe that it will help other people as it has helped me before.

Did you ever bump into your ex when you were trying to avoid them? What happened and what did you do?

(Image: graur codrin from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Using the No Contact Rule to Get Over Your Ex and Forget

Part 4 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous parts of this No Contact Rule series, I emphasized that if you want to heal your broken heart, get over your ex and eventually forget the pain of your breakup, you have to allow yourself to actually forget. It has to start with you and it's all up to you whether you will let the pain of your breakup fade away more quickly or rule you for a long time, if not the rest of your life.

I know, it is easier said than done. At first you'd be clueless, even powerless, to do anything. All you'd want to do is to lie in bed all day, mope and sulk in your room for even weeks at an end. Or you could go the other extreme and throw yourself in the dating game again right away just so you wouldn't have to remember how lonely and miserable you are so soon after the breakup.

But the sad fact is that you are only feeding your pain this way. Of course you need to give yourself time to mourn and process the pain. Prolonged sulking or forcing yourself to fall in love on the rebound will only hurt you more in the long run. It won't be surprising if you find yourself stuck in the breakup rut for a long time.

So, just how do you forget and move on from your breakup?

Rediscover Yourself

When you're part of a couple, more often than not you identify yourself in terms of your relationship with your significant other, especially when you've been in that relationship for a long time and the two of you have been living together. You become not just yourself but also the "other half." Your world starts revolving around that person you are in a relationship with. You order your activities and your schedule around the person you love.

That's why breakups are painful. Breakups mean more than just the end of a relationship. It also means that you lose a huge chunk of yourself in the process. Your identity is in jeopardy because you can no longer identify yourself as part of a couple and must find a way to think of yourself in other terms. This, I know, is very hard to do.

One way that will help you get over the pain of the breakup is to find a way to identify yourself outside of the relationship and rediscover who you are. If you just got divorced, you can try calling yourself again by your maiden name. It worked for a friend of mine. I did it by staring at the mirror every morning when I wake up and telling myself repeatedly: "I am Lea Hall."

Reinvent Yourself

Another way you can cope with the pain of the breakup is by reinventing yourself. By reinventing yourself, I don't mean changing your personality entirely. I only mean creating an entirely different look for yourself that will make you feel renewed, revitalized and re-energized. In short, I am talking about a makeover.

There is something therapeutic about doing a makeover. It's like creating a whole new you every time you do it. It's also like shedding your old self along with your past so you can move on with your life.

For example, did your ex like your hair short despite the fact that you prefer it caressing your shoulders? Then stop keeping that short hair and let it grow long. Did your ex like seeing you dress in certain styles or certain colors? Get rid of those clothes that your ex liked and get new ones.

One of my exes loved my hair long. He also loved seeing me in dresses or skirts. He said it made me look more feminine if I wore my hair below my shoulders and dressed in skirts. Guess what the first thing I did after we broke up? I had my hair cut up to an inch all around my head with my scalp plainly visible, ditched the skirts and started wearing shorts again. It felt really good.

Spending Time with Just You

Perhaps one of the things that make people sad about breakups is that they have no one to do things with them anymore. No one to eat dinner with, no one to go to the movies with, no one to cuddle with on the couch on cold nights. And because you are trying to make the no contact rule work, you can't even call up your ex just to yell at them.

A breakup is actually a great time to enjoy the things that you really like doing, especially those that you didn't have time for because you were too busy being in a relationship. You can catch up on your reading. You can start a new hobby. You can go and visit places that you have always wanted to visit but couldn't because of your ex. You can learn a new skill.

That time frame when you are between relationships should be time for just you. Keep busy doing the things you like and take this opportunity to make yourself a better person. You will thank yourself for doing this later on.

Also, you don't have to be lonely just because you are alone. You can always reconnect with old friends and hang out with them. You can always make new friends, too. Just try not to get into a new romantic relationship when you know that your heart is still hurting and you are just not ready yet.

But no matter how lonely you get, you should never ever contact your ex. It will only weaken your resolve to get over the pain of your breakup. Instead, it will reopen old wounds and healing them will take longer.

How did you cope with the pain of your breakup?

(Image: graur codrin from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Halloween Date Ideas: Are You Planning to Have a Romantic Halloween Evening?

A lot of people believe that Halloween is just a holiday for kids. I think not, though. Halloween is more than just a holiday for children to go trick-or-treating. It's just as good a night as any for adults to have fun. In fact, if you are going on a date on Halloween night, you can make it more romantic if you get into the spirit of the holiday and add some "ghoulish" spice to your evening.

So how are you going to spend Halloween this year? My fiancé and I unfortunately won't be together on Halloween because he's out of the country. But I have a few ideas in my head that I'd like for us to do when we're together on Halloween night.

An Afternoon with Pumpkins

My fiancé and I both love to eat, but we're not really fans of eating out a lot. So on Halloween, we could probably spend an afternoon shopping for pumpkins and then go home to carve Jack-o-Lanterns. What's left after we're done with the Jack-o-Lanterns, we could use for cooking a pumpkin-themed dinner.

The significant other loves pumpkin pie, and while I'm not really that fond of pumpkin, I'd certainly like to try out any of the 36 pumpkin recipes listed here. I told you I love food, and these recipes look yummy and easy to do.

Fun after Dinner

After feasting on pumpkin treats to our hearts' delight, we should have something else to do. If we're up to it, maybe we can dress up and go trick-or-treating. Who says trick-or-treating is just for kids? We can bother our friends for some candy, even though we're probably going to give our candy haul away afterwards.

I'd probably dare him to go to a cemetery with me on Halloween night. Weird as this may sound but cemeteries fascinate me sometimes. When I look at someone's tombstone, I sometimes wonder what kind of life they led before they went to their eternal rest. I don't think the creepies and the ghoulies would show up at the cemetery on Halloween night, though – so many living people around would scare them off.

But if we'd rather spend the day indoors, us being a pair of homebodies, we'd just spend the rest of the evening watching horror flicks. I love the original Ring movies and I have yet to convince the fiancé to watch them with me. Or we could watch something else, like The Sixth Sense or the first Exorcist movie.

In the end, it doesn't matter what exactly we will do on Halloween. The important thing is that we're together, we're doing something we both like, and we're having fun. That's what a date is all about, whether it's a Halloween date or not.

What are your favorite Halloween date ideas?

(Image: luigi diamanti from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Getting Over the Pain of a Breakup with the No Contact Rule

Part 3 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous part of this No Contact Rule series, I attempted to describe the advantages of following the no contact rule after you and your ex have just called it quits. To sum it up, severing all communication with your ex will help you heal the wounds you have sustained after the breakup. Eventually, the pain you feel will fade and your heart will mend – but only if you allow it to happen.

Of course, while the wounds are still fresh and you are still agonizing over your breakup, it's hard to ignore the pain at all. No matter how hard you try to bury the pain and to put on a brave face as you go on with your life, the pain is still there, nagging and biting at you, demanding your attention when you least want it to. I know it can be crippling, and as melodramatic as this may sound, I know the pain sometimes makes you want to stop, stand still and let the rest of the world move on without you.

So how do you make the pain go away and let you move on with your life? By facing the pain and recognizing its existence instead of burying it and hoping it would go away on its own.

Face the Pain Head On

We all have different ways of coping with pain, especially pain resulting from a broken heart. Some of us act as if nothing happened while some carry on like drama queens (or drama kings, for that matter). There is no right or wrong way to dealing with pain, but ignoring it altogether never works.

When we ignore the pain and bury it deep within us, we only allow it to rot and fester inside our mind and our heart. If we keep the pain buried inside us instead of releasing it, it only turns us into bitter people. Worse, the pain spoils us for whatever new relationship that comes our way.

The best example I could think of when it comes to burying pain is Mark Harmon's character from NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Of course, his case is different as what happened to him isn't exactly a breakup. But one of the driving points of NCIS is how Gibbs dealt with the pain of losing his wife and child. Because he wouldn't recognize how his pain is ruling his life, he let three marriages and one perfectly good relationship fail in the next 12 years.

All things considered, is the pain of a breakup really worth living the rest of your life in misery? That's what we essentially commit ourselves to when we bury the pain and refuse to acknowledge its existence. I think that the better thing to do is to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, "I'm hurting and I know it. I will let myself feel hurt for [this specific period of time]. But I am going to do something about it and when this deadline is up, I won't feel the pain anymore and I won't let it rule me either."

Letting the Pain Go

Once you have acknowledged to yourself that you are in pain, the next step would be to process it. As I said above, all of us have different ways of coping with pain. If your way of coping with pain is sitting on the couch all day and digging your way through a tub of ice cream, go for it if it gives you some comfort. If you feel like strolling at the park alone, call in sick at work and take the day off. Whatever it takes to get you over the funk, as long as it's not illegal and will not cause you irreparable harm, go ahead and do it.

It will help a lot if you surround yourself with people who love you and who are willing to lend you a sympathetic ear. After a breakup, it is typical for us to feel alone or isolated. Talking about your pain with someone who cares about you is a way of releasing the burden of the pain. It is also a way of telling yourself that even though you and your ex are through, you are not alone and there are other people whose love you can count on whatever happens.

One person whom you should never talk with at this point is, of course, your ex. We are still dealing with the no contact rule after all. You may want to process your pain by screaming at your ex and blaming them for this storm of emotions going through you. Actually, you can still do this even without breaking the no contact rule. An example would be writing notes or letters addressed to your ex or keeping a journal of everything you wanted to tell them but couldn't. Just don't make the mistake of actually sending these notes or journals to your ex – that would be breaking the no contact rule.

Meeting new people is another way of coping with the pain. When you make new friends and find new people to hang out with, you are giving yourself the chance to move on to possible new relationships. You are basically telling yourself that there is still a future for you when it comes to long-term romances. However, do not commit your heart yet when you believe that you aren't ready for a new relationship. Take your time and have fun.

Pain is inevitable in breakups. However, how we deal with the pain is what is important in how we eventually get over it and move on with our lives.

How do you cope with pain after a breakup?

(Image: br3akthru from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Breakup Advice: The Advantage of the No Contact Rule

Part 2 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In Part 1 of the No Contact Rule series, I defined what the no contact rule is. I also discussed how it works and how you can make it work for you. Basically, the no contact rule means dropping off the face of the earth where your ex is concerned. You cut off all communication with them and you stop meeting with them, whether accidentally or on purpose. You need to commit to this rule when you break up with your ex, but you have to make them understand first why you are cutting them off in the first place.

In this second part of the series, I'll tell you why I believe the no contact rule works and what advantages you can get from following it right after you and your ex have broken up. When you and your ex have just called it quits, I'm sure that many of your friends have given you breakup advice to stop seeing your ex. It's actually very sound advice because it gives you time to heal and eventually gives you time to forget.

The No Contact Rule Gives You Time to Heal

From personal experience, I know that breakups, no matter how friendly or mutual they were, can still hurt very deeply. This is especially true if you have invested a lot of yourself and your time in the relationship. No matter how you look at it, your bond with your partner is a physical, emotional and spiritual thing. It's like an extra arm or leg, and if the two of you call it quits, it's almost like having that extra arm or leg amputated.

When you have a wound, what do you usually do? Do you scratch at it or do you leave it alone? We all know that scratching and poking at a fresh wound will make it heal more slowly, if not risk it getting infected. But if you leave your wound alone, it will scab over. The pain will soon fade away as the scabs fall off, leaving brand new skin behind it.

That is just how the no contact rule helps you heal. You have a broken heart that needs mending, and keeping in touch with your ex only gets you to poke at your wounds. But if you cut off all contact with your ex, you allow your heart to mend and eventually feel like new.

The No Contact Rule Gives You Time to Forget

As the wounds of your broken heart heal, your mind also begins to forget. If you have cut off all communication with your ex and threw away everything that reminds you of them and the time you spent together, the memories of your relationship will soon fade away. Sure, you will probably still think of your ex from time to time, but the details will not be as clear anymore and the pain will be dulled.

When I broke up with my ex, what I did was to delete his numbers from my phone and changed my phone number. I also deleted and blocked his email addresses and his instant messaging handles from my computer. Then, I threw away everything he gave me – his photographs, his love letters, his postcards. What I could not throw away, I gave away. I kept nothing that would remind me of him.

Because I don't have any visual reminders of my ex, my mind stopped remembering what he looked like. I stopped talking to him so I don't hear his voice in my head anymore. I do think of him from time to time, but I am too focused on other things (and have a new love besides) so I hardly have the time to dwell on what happened between us anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind. That is how the no contact rule helps you forget.

What did you do when you broke up with your ex? Why don't you share your story as a comment below?

(Image: www.cyarena.com)

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Breakup Advice: What Is the No Contact Rule?

Part 1 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

If you have just gone through a breakup or if you feel like your current flame is just stringing you along, the pain and the sense of rejection it brings can erode on your self-confidence.  Eventually, you will even begin to doubt your worth as a person.  After all, if things got so out of hand with your ex that you needed to end the relationship or if you current love is not treating you the way you should be treated, then it is natural to think that there may be something wrong with you that makes you unlovable to them.  Such thoughts will only hurt you more and prevent you from moving on, but you can help yourself by applying the no contact rule.

What is the no contact rule?  The no contact rule means exactly what its name implies – that you break off all communications with your ex or your current flame indefinitely.  It also means resisting all temptation to get in touch with them whenever the urge strikes you.  The no contact rule certainly sounds difficult, especially when you are not really that willing to let go, but it is the best thing that will help you move on from a bad breakup or a relationship that is going nowhere.


How the No Contact Rule Works

Do you know the old saying "Out of sight, out of mind"?  That is how the no contact rule works.  When you have absolutely no interaction with your ex, you eventually learn to forget them.  You get to focus on other things and become so busy that you won't have the time or the inclination to think and remember the past.

The key here is to allow yourself to forget and to make sure that there is absolutely no contact between you and your ex.  If you keep thinking about your ex and if you keep giving yourself the opportunity to get in touch with them no matter how "accidental" it is, the no contact rule will not work.  It is going to be like an old wound that will not heal – you allow it to close and knit itself together for a time, and then tear it open again.  You are only going to hurt yourself every time you do that.

Making the No Contact Rule Work for You

You've already got the part where you must cut off all ties to your ex.  In no way must you get in touch with your ex again as much as you can.  Lose their phone number, email address and instant messaging handles, and don't try to recover them after you do.  Try not to show up at places where your ex will likely be, even if it is your favorite hangout or a party hosted by a mutual friend.  Your friend should be able to understand your situation.

But before you cut off all ties to your ex, you need to talk to your ex one last time – that is, if the two of you still talk on a regular basis.  You have to inform your ex of your intentions to stop contacting them as well as your reasons for doing so.  If your ex has any shred of respect for you left, they will realize your need to heal and to move on with your life.  You should also take this opportunity to ask them to do you a favor and not get in touch with you, too.  The reason why you must do this is that if you just suddenly fall off the face of the earth, your ex will think that you are just being petty or playing hard to get.

If the breakup is really hard for you, you can try moving to a new apartment, a new job or a new city if you can.  If not, then the best you can do is to rid your immediate surroundings of anything that can remind you of your ex.  The no contact rule is not something that is easy to do but it is so worth it.  In the long run, you will thank yourself for giving yourself this opportunity to heal and recover from the breakup.

(Image: heman_gdl from stock.xchng.)

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