Using the No Contact Rule to Get Over Your Ex and Forget

Part 4 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous parts of this No Contact Rule series, I emphasized that if you want to heal your broken heart, get over your ex and eventually forget the pain of your breakup, you have to allow yourself to actually forget. It has to start with you and it's all up to you whether you will let the pain of your breakup fade away more quickly or rule you for a long time, if not the rest of your life.

I know, it is easier said than done. At first you'd be clueless, even powerless, to do anything. All you'd want to do is to lie in bed all day, mope and sulk in your room for even weeks at an end. Or you could go the other extreme and throw yourself in the dating game again right away just so you wouldn't have to remember how lonely and miserable you are so soon after the breakup.

But the sad fact is that you are only feeding your pain this way. Of course you need to give yourself time to mourn and process the pain. Prolonged sulking or forcing yourself to fall in love on the rebound will only hurt you more in the long run. It won't be surprising if you find yourself stuck in the breakup rut for a long time.

So, just how do you forget and move on from your breakup?

Rediscover Yourself

When you're part of a couple, more often than not you identify yourself in terms of your relationship with your significant other, especially when you've been in that relationship for a long time and the two of you have been living together. You become not just yourself but also the "other half." Your world starts revolving around that person you are in a relationship with. You order your activities and your schedule around the person you love.

That's why breakups are painful. Breakups mean more than just the end of a relationship. It also means that you lose a huge chunk of yourself in the process. Your identity is in jeopardy because you can no longer identify yourself as part of a couple and must find a way to think of yourself in other terms. This, I know, is very hard to do.

One way that will help you get over the pain of the breakup is to find a way to identify yourself outside of the relationship and rediscover who you are. If you just got divorced, you can try calling yourself again by your maiden name. It worked for a friend of mine. I did it by staring at the mirror every morning when I wake up and telling myself repeatedly: "I am Lea Hall."

Reinvent Yourself

Another way you can cope with the pain of the breakup is by reinventing yourself. By reinventing yourself, I don't mean changing your personality entirely. I only mean creating an entirely different look for yourself that will make you feel renewed, revitalized and re-energized. In short, I am talking about a makeover.

There is something therapeutic about doing a makeover. It's like creating a whole new you every time you do it. It's also like shedding your old self along with your past so you can move on with your life.

For example, did your ex like your hair short despite the fact that you prefer it caressing your shoulders? Then stop keeping that short hair and let it grow long. Did your ex like seeing you dress in certain styles or certain colors? Get rid of those clothes that your ex liked and get new ones.

One of my exes loved my hair long. He also loved seeing me in dresses or skirts. He said it made me look more feminine if I wore my hair below my shoulders and dressed in skirts. Guess what the first thing I did after we broke up? I had my hair cut up to an inch all around my head with my scalp plainly visible, ditched the skirts and started wearing shorts again. It felt really good.

Spending Time with Just You

Perhaps one of the things that make people sad about breakups is that they have no one to do things with them anymore. No one to eat dinner with, no one to go to the movies with, no one to cuddle with on the couch on cold nights. And because you are trying to make the no contact rule work, you can't even call up your ex just to yell at them.

A breakup is actually a great time to enjoy the things that you really like doing, especially those that you didn't have time for because you were too busy being in a relationship. You can catch up on your reading. You can start a new hobby. You can go and visit places that you have always wanted to visit but couldn't because of your ex. You can learn a new skill.

That time frame when you are between relationships should be time for just you. Keep busy doing the things you like and take this opportunity to make yourself a better person. You will thank yourself for doing this later on.

Also, you don't have to be lonely just because you are alone. You can always reconnect with old friends and hang out with them. You can always make new friends, too. Just try not to get into a new romantic relationship when you know that your heart is still hurting and you are just not ready yet.

But no matter how lonely you get, you should never ever contact your ex. It will only weaken your resolve to get over the pain of your breakup. Instead, it will reopen old wounds and healing them will take longer.

How did you cope with the pain of your breakup?

(Image: graur codrin from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)