Getting Back with an Ex – A Case Study

When is it acceptable to break up your current relationship just so you can get back together with your ex?

This was a question that flashed in my mind last night while I was browsing a dating and relationship forum. A woman sought advice from the other members of the forum, asking whether she should break up with her current boyfriend in favor of her ex, who happened to be her high school sweetheart and whom she got in touch with once more when she returned home.

As I am the type who burns her bridges once she has made a major decision like breaking up with someone, I would be of the opinion that she should stay in her current relationship and forget about her ex. However, that opinion wouldn't probably sit well with her.

Summarizing the Situation

So here is what her situation looks like:

She and her ex-boyfriend were high school sweethearts. They had a lot in common, including a love for animals. He got into a college close to home on scholarship so he could stay near her. When she graduated from high school, he gave up his scholarship so he could move with her to New York City, where she pursued a course on veterinary medicine.

When they got to NYC, things changed. Because of the cost of living in NYC, they had to divide their time between work and study. Thus, they hardly had time to spend together. This resulted in constant fights and bickering until they eventually broke up, upon which he returned home and she stayed in NYC.

A few months after, she met a guy in one of her classes and started dating him. Guy#2 is witty, intelligent and loves to spoil her with gifts and other surprises. She underscored the fact that Guy#2 has great financial prospects and sex with him is more fulfilling than with the ex. The only turn-off with Guy#2 is that he hates animals. She also feels that there is "something missing" whenever she is with him.

Early on into the relationship, she had to go back home to take care of her dad. Inevitably, she got in touch with her ex once again, and to her it seemed like nothing has changed. The old flame was rekindled. Now she said part of her wants things to work out again with her ex, while the other part is telling her to stay with Guy#2. What then should she do?

A Sense of Familiarity

So, should she break up with Guy#2 to get back with her ex, or should she stay in her current relationship? Here's my take on it.

For me, it's normal for her to want to get back with her ex-boyfriend. She's back home, where everything is comfortable and familiar. She's probably back to her old habits and routines, which definitely included her ex in the past. Being back home, with all that sense of familiarity and belonging, is making her feel that nothing has changed, including her feelings for her ex.

But what happens when she does get back with her ex and she returns to NYC to continue her studies? Is he going to move back with her or are they going to pursue a long-distance relationship. If he's moving back to NYC with her, are they going to adopt the same patterns they had when they first lived together in the Big Apple? They may feel in love right now, but unless those old patterns are broken, they are just going back to square one. And then they just might break up again.

An Archaic Notion

Should she stay with Guy#2, then? She did say that she loves Guy#2, but there is something awfully shallow about wanting to be with a guy just because the sex is great and the guy has some bright financial prospects waiting for him. I'm not undermining the importance of sex in a relationship because I believe that it is indeed very important in keeping a relationship alive. But sex isn't everything.

Also, financial prospects change all the time. One may be the heir to some fortune but market forces can change that whenever we least expect it. Besides, isn't this the 21st century already? Women may be hard-wired to look for mates who can provide for them and their offspring, but in this day and age, they are just as capable of providing for themselves as their potential mates. Wanting to stay with a guy just because he has some prospects is so archaic.

Besides, he hates animals. Not only does she love animals, but she is also studying to be a vet. Anyone seeing anything wrong with that picture?

Getting back with an ex or not is always a tricky question, laden with sacrifices and payoffs. She is going to make someone unhappy whatever she does, but I sincerely hope that she'll be happy and she'll be able to live with whatever she decides to do.

What do you think?  Should she get back with her ex or should she stay with Guy#2?

(Image: Francesco Marino from Free Digital Photos)