Getting Back with an Ex – A Case Study

When is it acceptable to break up your current relationship just so you can get back together with your ex?

This was a question that flashed in my mind last night while I was browsing a dating and relationship forum. A woman sought advice from the other members of the forum, asking whether she should break up with her current boyfriend in favor of her ex, who happened to be her high school sweetheart and whom she got in touch with once more when she returned home.

As I am the type who burns her bridges once she has made a major decision like breaking up with someone, I would be of the opinion that she should stay in her current relationship and forget about her ex. However, that opinion wouldn't probably sit well with her.

Summarizing the Situation

So here is what her situation looks like:

She and her ex-boyfriend were high school sweethearts. They had a lot in common, including a love for animals. He got into a college close to home on scholarship so he could stay near her. When she graduated from high school, he gave up his scholarship so he could move with her to New York City, where she pursued a course on veterinary medicine.

When they got to NYC, things changed. Because of the cost of living in NYC, they had to divide their time between work and study. Thus, they hardly had time to spend together. This resulted in constant fights and bickering until they eventually broke up, upon which he returned home and she stayed in NYC.

A few months after, she met a guy in one of her classes and started dating him. Guy#2 is witty, intelligent and loves to spoil her with gifts and other surprises. She underscored the fact that Guy#2 has great financial prospects and sex with him is more fulfilling than with the ex. The only turn-off with Guy#2 is that he hates animals. She also feels that there is "something missing" whenever she is with him.

Early on into the relationship, she had to go back home to take care of her dad. Inevitably, she got in touch with her ex once again, and to her it seemed like nothing has changed. The old flame was rekindled. Now she said part of her wants things to work out again with her ex, while the other part is telling her to stay with Guy#2. What then should she do?

A Sense of Familiarity

So, should she break up with Guy#2 to get back with her ex, or should she stay in her current relationship? Here's my take on it.

For me, it's normal for her to want to get back with her ex-boyfriend. She's back home, where everything is comfortable and familiar. She's probably back to her old habits and routines, which definitely included her ex in the past. Being back home, with all that sense of familiarity and belonging, is making her feel that nothing has changed, including her feelings for her ex.

But what happens when she does get back with her ex and she returns to NYC to continue her studies? Is he going to move back with her or are they going to pursue a long-distance relationship. If he's moving back to NYC with her, are they going to adopt the same patterns they had when they first lived together in the Big Apple? They may feel in love right now, but unless those old patterns are broken, they are just going back to square one. And then they just might break up again.

An Archaic Notion

Should she stay with Guy#2, then? She did say that she loves Guy#2, but there is something awfully shallow about wanting to be with a guy just because the sex is great and the guy has some bright financial prospects waiting for him. I'm not undermining the importance of sex in a relationship because I believe that it is indeed very important in keeping a relationship alive. But sex isn't everything.

Also, financial prospects change all the time. One may be the heir to some fortune but market forces can change that whenever we least expect it. Besides, isn't this the 21st century already? Women may be hard-wired to look for mates who can provide for them and their offspring, but in this day and age, they are just as capable of providing for themselves as their potential mates. Wanting to stay with a guy just because he has some prospects is so archaic.

Besides, he hates animals. Not only does she love animals, but she is also studying to be a vet. Anyone seeing anything wrong with that picture?

Getting back with an ex or not is always a tricky question, laden with sacrifices and payoffs. She is going to make someone unhappy whatever she does, but I sincerely hope that she'll be happy and she'll be able to live with whatever she decides to do.

What do you think?  Should she get back with her ex or should she stay with Guy#2?

(Image: Francesco Marino from Free Digital Photos)

Continue reading...

Happy Thanksgiving!

In the previous post, I asked this question: "What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?" So I guess it's only fair that I answer the question myself.

So what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? Here is my (somewhat long) list of things and people I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my parents. I am extremely lucky to be born to parents with a strong sense of values, who passed on these values to me, and who gave and continue to give me their unconditional love and support despite the crazy things I have done over the years.

I am thankful for my siblings. I am probably one of the rare few whose relationship with her siblings was not colored too vividly by sibling rivalry. They're all my big brothers who are there to support and protect me, sometimes even from myself.

I am thankful for friends past and present. These people made my life colorful and even if I don't speak to many of them nowadays, I will always be grateful that the path of my life crossed with theirs.

I am thankful for my job. I have such a fabulous job! As a freelance writer, I work when I feel like working and sleep when I feel like sleeping. Though it takes discipline to meet the deadlines and demands that my clients impose upon me and sitting in front of the computer all the time has made me gain too much weight, this is the career I was born for and am happy to have for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for my exes. Without my exes, I probably won't have grown to be the person I am now. They all made me a stronger, more understanding, more considerate and much less selfish person. I still hate what I allowed them to do to me, but I won't deny anymore that I learned a lot from them.

I am thankful for my fiancé. If I learned a lot from my exes, I am constantly learning from him. The two of us are so alike and yet so different in many ways. Each and every interaction I have with him teaches me the true meaning of the word "commitment." His devotion is unparalleled, though I try to reciprocate it as much as I can whenever I can.

I am thankful for this blog. I have worked on a lot of blogs over the years, some mine and some belonging to other people. This blog, however, is the only one I have voluntarily spent a lot of my free time on without expecting much in return. It may not look much right now, but this is a work of love and I am going to find ways to improve it as soon as possible.

I am thankful for my present readers. I don't check this blog's stats everyday, but I don't have any illusions. I know that, for now at least, there are only a handful of people reading my scribbling here. Thank you for spending time on my little project.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Continue reading...

Dating and Thanksgiving – Finding Something to be Thankful For

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

When you are stuck in a relationship rut – either as a single person or as someone forced by the holidays into a relationship that you know will be on its way to nowhere – it is sometimes not that easy to find something to be thankful for when it comes to your love-life. Add to that the fact that the holiday season is notorious for finding a way of putting you face-to-face with what you lack in your life, if not rubbing it right in.

But for all that the holidays have the tendency to make you dwell on things you don't have, fixating on them just because it's Thanksgiving and it's the start of the holiday season is pointless, a total waste of time.

So what if your baby sister is being lovey-dovey with her current boyfriend during Thanksgiving dinner while the others at the table won't stop making remarks about your being there on your lonesome?

So what if your annoying aunt is making everyone at the table laugh at your expense just because you seem to be headed towards old-maid status?

Letting these people make you feel bad just because you are single (or might as well be single) during the holidays is only going to spoil what should be a fun and joyous season for you. Just ignore them and don't let their insensitive jokes get to you.

Or you could turn the tables on them and show that you are having such a sweet time being single and on your own. Make them imagine how fun it is being able to date without being tied down and without anyone being jealous. Make them see how fulfilling it is to pursue your personal interests without being held back just because you are in a relationship.

You can also use the occasion to hook up with someone new. Did your sister-in-law invite a cute cousin who is also single to dinner? Did your brother bring along a friend from work?

The holidays, Thanksgiving in particular, may be a bane for single people. But that doesn't mean that if you are single, you have to feel bad or bitter about the jokes and the other stuff that family, colleagues or even friends throw your way because of your single state. Being single is not a crime nor is it a reason for you to be lonely and miserable with your life.

There is always something to be thankful for even when it is not Thanksgiving. Maybe one of those things you can be thankful for is that you dumped that ex who isn't giving you the value you deserve. You just need to look into your heart and find out.

And when you find something you can be truly thankful for, then Thanksgiving won't be such a bane anymore, whether you are single or not.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

(Image: Muir Woods from stock.xchng)

Continue reading...

Can't Find a Date? Be Nice, Seriously

How many times have you ignored, glared, or even snarled at a guy simply because he tried to start a conversation with you?

I used to do that all the time, when I was still a lot younger and much more socially awkward. But the thing about people is that they tend to see what they want to see and are not always willing to look beyond what is right in front of them.

So, to these people, I am not this socially awkward person who doesn't really know yet how to act around them. To them, I am a snob, an ice queen, if not a total bitch.

Being socially awkward is not an illness or a crime. But it can stop you from successfully meeting someone to date or have a relationship with. If you want to meet people with an eye towards dating and building relationships, you have to learn how to flirt a little. Or at least try to be nice and friendly.

Friendly Girls Get More Dates

According to this Fox News article, a recent study on flirting shows that friendly girls find more dating success than polite and reserved ones. For these friendly girls, flirting is just harmless fun and a way of showing their potential dates and mates that they are women who are self-aware and confident of themselves. The figures and findings of the study may sound like a no-brainer, but it is indeed concrete evidence that shy girls do lose out in the dating scene.

Consider this: Why do flowers have nectar? That is because this sweet and sugary liquid is meant to attract insects that will help the flower pollinate and reproduce. Without the nectar, flowers are nothing more than pretty ornaments. They are nice to look at but have no drawing power.

Being a Wallflower Is Not a Permanent Condition

As I said above, being shy or socially awkward is not an illness or a crime. But it's not something you can't overcome either. You don't have to do a complete turnaround and transform yourself into a fun and flirty person just to attract a date or potential partner. However, you can at least try to be nice when interacting with other people.

Smiling and making eye contact is one good way to start overcoming your social awkwardness. When someone approaches you to start a conversation, you can keep the conversation going by responding in more than just yeses and nos. You don't have to fake being an outgoing person. Just be a tad friendly and be responsive.

If you want to meet people with an eye towards dating and building relationships, you have to at least try to be nice and friendly. Being nice and friendly is not just something that will see you through in dating. In any situation that requires human interaction, being nice and friendly will make you a winner.

What did you do to overcome your social awkwardness?

(Image: Tina Phillips from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Continue reading...

Can't Find a Date? Are the Nice Guys Really that Hard to Find?

Are nice guys really that hard to find?

When I was in college, I was one of those ugly ducklings who couldn't find a date. Not that I was actively seeking one at the time, but I often heard my girlfriends complain that it's because guys who are both nice and available are often difficult to find.

In my girlfriends' thinking, the nice guys are either:

1. the arm candy of some other girl; or
2. gay or metrosexual and likely to be one of your male "girlfriends."

It's a complaint that hasn't really changed much over the years. Even now that we're all way past our ugly duckling stage, enjoying some success in our chosen careers, and have been in a relationship or two, I still hear that complaint from time to time.

But I know for a fact that it's not really true. See, if you can't find a date who is a nice and decent guy, it's more of two things. One is that you aren't looking hard enough. The other is that you aren't looking at all.

The world is full of decent men. More often than not, we just don't see them because we aren't really looking hard enough. Instead, we are too busy searching for something that isn't there. Maybe it's because we have a ridiculous list that makes us reach for the impossible and blinds us to what is right in front of us.

Prince Charming, after all, is just a character from a fairy tale. For all you know, your search for this imaginary prince is keeping you from noticing Mr. Real Guy who isn't as charming but is good enough for you to spend the next 30 or so years with.

Or maybe the reason why you can't find a date who is a decent enough guy is that you aren't really trying to find a date at all. Instead, what you are trying to do is to find someone who can augment and complete you as a person. You are too preoccupied with projecting your own needs onto the guys that you meet.

You can't make up for your own weaknesses and failings as a person by searching for someone who can fill in these gaps in your personhood for you. These potential partners can only be themselves as you can only be yourself. No one else can complete you but yourself. Instead of finding your "better half," you should probably seek to address your own needs and be as complete a person as you want to be on your own.

Great guys aren't difficult to find at all. It's just a matter of looking around you with your eyes wide open and your gaze clear as crystal.

What do you think?

(Image: Damien van Holten from Stockvault.net)

Continue reading...

Can't Find a Decent Guy to Date? Get Rid of Your Superficial List

As a young girl, I had this list of traits that I want to see in the guy I want to marry someday. The list went something like this:

- He has to be older than me.
- He has to be well-off so I don't have to work in an office.
- He has to be a graduate of a top university (unless it's the rival of my alma mater).
- He has to be taller than me.
- He has to be smart.
- He has to be funny.
- He has to be a bookworm.
- He has to be someone who wears glasses like I do.
- He has to be really cute.
- He has to be someone whom Mommy and Daddy will get along with.

As the years went by, I met and got along with a few guys. They were decent fellows but I didn't even think of getting into a relationship with them because they lacked some of the qualities I put down in my list.

Then I met someone who had every single trait I wanted in a potential mate. And he was interested in me because he said I had all the traits he wanted in a wife. It looked perfect, right?

Three years later, I dumped him because it turned out he was an egotistic jerk.

If you have a list like mine, do you think your list is helping you find your ideal guy? Or is it turning out to be a crutch that is keeping you from being with a man who is good enough but just doesn't meet the "standards" you have put in your list?

There is nothing wrong with having standards. In fact, you must have standards if you want to find a good man who will respect you and will be with you for the long haul. If you don't have any standards with the guys you go out with, you're just selling yourself short.

But having a laundry list that reads like "My ideal man is someone who is 6'4, has blue eyes, blond hair, a face like Brad Pitt's, six-pack abs, a six-figure income, a nice house in the Hamptons, and brains like Einstein's" just sounds ridiculous, don't you think? Such a list is superficial and keeps us from being with someone real and nice.

There is probably a deep-seated reason why you have this list in the first place. Maybe the purpose of your list is not really to find what you believe to be the ideal guy. Maybe its purpose is to protect you from getting hurt and rejected again.

Finding love is about taking chances. Lose your superficial laundry list, deal with whatever personal issues you are trying to hide with your list, and take the plunge.

What is on your list?

(Image: nuttakit from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Continue reading...

Can't Find a Date? Find Yourself First

Is the task of finding a date too difficult for you sometimes? If you can't find a date and you find yourself sitting home alone on a Friday night, what do you usually think is the cause of your being dateless and lonesome when you could be out there having fun?

Do you think your inability to find a date is due to the fact that the guys (or gals) you meet are jerks? Or do you believe that a good man (or woman) is too hard to find these days?

Did it ever cross your mind that the reason why you are finding it too difficult to find a date is yourself?

I was browsing the Internet a few days ago when I came across this excerpt of the book Get Over Yourself! by Patti Novak, a leading dating and relationship coach and dubbed as "America's Matchmaker." Ms. Novak is also the star of the reality series Confessions of a Matchmaker.

As I was reading through the excerpt, one sentence caught my attention above others:

[T]he more they know who they really are, instead of who they just think they are – the better chance they'll have in their search for love.

With that quote in mind, what do you think is really keeping you from finding a decent person to go out on a date with? If we just open our eyes and look around us, we'd actually find that the world is full of decent people, good enough to take home and introduce to Mom and Dad. It would be hard, if not impossible, to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect out there – because, really, we all know that perfect people do not exist except in our imaginations. But you'll definitely find someone who is Just Right, someone you can accept and with whom you can compromise and someone who will accept you and will compromise with you to keep the relationship alive.

However, that will happen only if we open our eyes to what's keeping us from finding a date first. As Ms. Novak said in the excerpt:

If you're having trouble finding love, chances are dating is not your main problem. Chances are your trouble with dating is a symptom of other problems – larger, deeper emotional issues that are at the core of who you are.

We are, after all, the sum of our experiences; our past experiences shape us and often dictate how we cope with our present and future circumstances. Maybe the reason why you can't find a date is you have deep-seated issues that developed from something that happened to you in the past.

Maybe you have low self-esteem because someone you loved rejected you and you can't find a date because you are afraid of being rejected again.

Maybe you don't trust other people easily because someone dear to you betrayed you and hurt you terribly and you don't want to be hurt again.

Maybe you feel awkward about meeting other people socially because you really don't know how to act around them and you're scared of being embarrassed.

If you are finding it difficult to find a date, maybe instead of putting the blame on external factors, you should take a hard look at yourself. If you start peeling away those layers that hide your true self and deal with whatever deep-seated issues that prevent you from finding a date, much less a soulmate, maybe the dating scene won't look so bad to you anymore.

What is keeping you from finding a date? Is it really because the pickings are slim or is it just you?

(Image: Patti Novak's official website.)

Continue reading...

Breaking the No Contact Rule, By Accident or On Purpose

Part 5 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous four parts of this No Contact Rule series, I tried to talk about what the no contact rule is and why it is so important. I also wrote about how to get over the pain of your breakup while you are observing this rule, as well as what you can do for yourself in the meantime that will help you forget and move on after your breakup. Basically, I emphasized that not seeing or communicating your ex helps you mend your broken heart because when they are out of your sight, they will fade from your mind.

But I understand too that for all your careful planning, things can't really go your way all the time. What if, while trying to observe the no contact rule, you suddenly bump into your ex while, say, doing your groceries? What if they show up at a mutual friend's party? What if they call you? What if you cave in to your longing to see your ex again and broke the rule yourself?

So, what happens when you break the no contact rule, either by accident or on purpose?

Breaking the No Contact Rule by Accident

Accidents are bound to happen no matter how much you avoid them. Unless one of you moved to another city, there is a chance that you will bump into your ex at one point or another. They may show up at a gathering hosted by a mutual friend, for one. Or it may just be one of those chance moments where you encounter them totally unexpectedly.

What do you do when you bump into your ex by accident? There is no perfect response to this question, to be honest. Perhaps it all depends on how you feel at that precise moment.

I do suggest trying to be civil, though, no matter how ugly things went for the two of you the last time you saw each other. Just act as if it's perfectly normal for the two of you to bump into each other all the time. You don't have to be friendly with your ex. More often than not, just nodding your head upon making eye contact and going own way is enough. You don't have to make a scene out of it. Just acknowledge your ex's presence and go.

If your ex stops you for a chat, go ahead and chat but keep it brief. You are busy living your own life apart from your ex, so unless you two have children or a business together, there is no reason for you to linger. Exchange a few sentences, make your excuses, then go. If your ex asks for your number, tell them you'll call them instead. However, don't ask them for their number.

Breaking the No Contact Rule on Purpose

Healing a broken heart through the no contact rule is definitely possible, but it is also definitely hard to do. You may be tempted to break it when you find yourself alone at home and feeling lonely on a Friday night and with no one else to talk to. This just might find you breaking your resolve and getting in touch with your ex out of the blue.

If you have broken the rule, there is no use beating yourself over it once you have realized what you have done. What is done is done; the more important question is how you will move forward from it. Your ex may think that you're trying to play games with them, but what they think does not matter right now. If you genuinely feel that getting in touch with them again is a huge mistake, just pick up where you left off with the no contact rule and stick to it.

Now that the No Contact Rule Is Broken

Now that the no contact rule is broken, what happens now? How do you move on from this? Again, it all depends upon you. You will have to figure out for yourself whether you want to get back with your ex or continue with the life you have right now.

It is a question of whether you are ready or not. If you want to get your ex back and you want to start things over, then go for it and make the first move. Just make sure that you have really thought things over, that you are aware of the factors that made things go south with your ex the last time you were together, and that you are committed not to make the same mistakes again.

If you want to get your ex back but you are not yet ready to start the relationship, just continue following the no contact rule even if it was broken at this point. You will only hurt yourself and your ex even more if you take the plunge but are not yet ready.

If you simply don't want to go back, then good for you. The world is big and somewhere out there, there is someone who is just for you. It is only a matter of finding that someone and you don't have to rush at all. Just enjoy yourself and your time being alone.

A breakup does not have to be the end of the world for anyone. You can heal your broken heart and move on with your life, and one of the best approaches to do this is by following the no contact rule. Somewhere along the road, you may want to get back with your ex or to start a completely new relationship with someone else. But the most important thing here is to start over when you are whole and ready and learn to cherish yourself above all.

This is the last part of the No Contact Rule series, but it doesn't mean that this is the last time I will write about it. I'll probably get back to this topic every now and then, simply because it is important to me and I truly believe that it will help other people as it has helped me before.

Did you ever bump into your ex when you were trying to avoid them? What happened and what did you do?

(Image: graur codrin from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Continue reading...

Using the No Contact Rule to Get Over Your Ex and Forget

Part 4 of 5 in the No Contact Rule Series

In the previous parts of this No Contact Rule series, I emphasized that if you want to heal your broken heart, get over your ex and eventually forget the pain of your breakup, you have to allow yourself to actually forget. It has to start with you and it's all up to you whether you will let the pain of your breakup fade away more quickly or rule you for a long time, if not the rest of your life.

I know, it is easier said than done. At first you'd be clueless, even powerless, to do anything. All you'd want to do is to lie in bed all day, mope and sulk in your room for even weeks at an end. Or you could go the other extreme and throw yourself in the dating game again right away just so you wouldn't have to remember how lonely and miserable you are so soon after the breakup.

But the sad fact is that you are only feeding your pain this way. Of course you need to give yourself time to mourn and process the pain. Prolonged sulking or forcing yourself to fall in love on the rebound will only hurt you more in the long run. It won't be surprising if you find yourself stuck in the breakup rut for a long time.

So, just how do you forget and move on from your breakup?

Rediscover Yourself

When you're part of a couple, more often than not you identify yourself in terms of your relationship with your significant other, especially when you've been in that relationship for a long time and the two of you have been living together. You become not just yourself but also the "other half." Your world starts revolving around that person you are in a relationship with. You order your activities and your schedule around the person you love.

That's why breakups are painful. Breakups mean more than just the end of a relationship. It also means that you lose a huge chunk of yourself in the process. Your identity is in jeopardy because you can no longer identify yourself as part of a couple and must find a way to think of yourself in other terms. This, I know, is very hard to do.

One way that will help you get over the pain of the breakup is to find a way to identify yourself outside of the relationship and rediscover who you are. If you just got divorced, you can try calling yourself again by your maiden name. It worked for a friend of mine. I did it by staring at the mirror every morning when I wake up and telling myself repeatedly: "I am Lea Hall."

Reinvent Yourself

Another way you can cope with the pain of the breakup is by reinventing yourself. By reinventing yourself, I don't mean changing your personality entirely. I only mean creating an entirely different look for yourself that will make you feel renewed, revitalized and re-energized. In short, I am talking about a makeover.

There is something therapeutic about doing a makeover. It's like creating a whole new you every time you do it. It's also like shedding your old self along with your past so you can move on with your life.

For example, did your ex like your hair short despite the fact that you prefer it caressing your shoulders? Then stop keeping that short hair and let it grow long. Did your ex like seeing you dress in certain styles or certain colors? Get rid of those clothes that your ex liked and get new ones.

One of my exes loved my hair long. He also loved seeing me in dresses or skirts. He said it made me look more feminine if I wore my hair below my shoulders and dressed in skirts. Guess what the first thing I did after we broke up? I had my hair cut up to an inch all around my head with my scalp plainly visible, ditched the skirts and started wearing shorts again. It felt really good.

Spending Time with Just You

Perhaps one of the things that make people sad about breakups is that they have no one to do things with them anymore. No one to eat dinner with, no one to go to the movies with, no one to cuddle with on the couch on cold nights. And because you are trying to make the no contact rule work, you can't even call up your ex just to yell at them.

A breakup is actually a great time to enjoy the things that you really like doing, especially those that you didn't have time for because you were too busy being in a relationship. You can catch up on your reading. You can start a new hobby. You can go and visit places that you have always wanted to visit but couldn't because of your ex. You can learn a new skill.

That time frame when you are between relationships should be time for just you. Keep busy doing the things you like and take this opportunity to make yourself a better person. You will thank yourself for doing this later on.

Also, you don't have to be lonely just because you are alone. You can always reconnect with old friends and hang out with them. You can always make new friends, too. Just try not to get into a new romantic relationship when you know that your heart is still hurting and you are just not ready yet.

But no matter how lonely you get, you should never ever contact your ex. It will only weaken your resolve to get over the pain of your breakup. Instead, it will reopen old wounds and healing them will take longer.

How did you cope with the pain of your breakup?

(Image: graur codrin from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Continue reading...